


heartsigh

by orphan_account



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Crucifixion, Dark Dipper, Dipper is about twenty here, Emotional Manipulation, Inaccurate depictions of crucifixion, Just roll with it okay, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Purple Prose, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Self-Harm, This entire fic is centered around self-harm and Dipper's self-hatred so..., Worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-11
Updated: 2015-04-11
Packaged: 2018-03-22 10:18:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3725185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“G E T O N Y O U R K N E E S” and Dipper does. Bill’s voice fills his ears, numbing, <i> vibrating </i> through his jaw as he works <i> worship me </i> and Dipper does(n’t) (oh no) (oh no, please) (please don’t hurt me) (I’ve been good) (d o n ‘ t <i> oh. Oh. </i>  It is too late, Bill says, for you to take it back.)</p><p>(OR: Dipper doubts.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	heartsigh

The thick, moving circles close over, in his mind, and Dipper knows that he’s:

 

dreaming, falling,

 

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

 

into --

 

 _No_ this can’t be happening _NO_

 

NO

             NO

                          NO

                                     NO

                                                NO

                                                         NO

 

  

 **YES** , says a dark-but-light voice. **Y e s** and   _r e l a x k i d_ and something something - Dipper stops listening. Dipper. Doesn’t want the punishment. Doesn’t want the blade _pleasedon’tgivemethebladeIwon’thurtmyselfI’vebeengoodIwillworship._

 

Bill lies through teeth. Bill doesn’t have teeth. But. **But** they are sharp and flashing and they are taunting Dipper and _Well. If you. Won’t take the blade. Then. I’ll have to. Make you worship. In some other way._

He is not sleeping. (This is real this is _real_ this is _real_ this is r e a l) He is

 

f

a

l

l

i

n

g

 

for Bill, who wants the blade.

  
  


“Get on your knees,” Bill says, and so: Dipper drops, doesn’t notice the blood doesn’t _care_.

 

(When Dipper is bad, when Dipper doubts, Bill hands him the blade and says _how dare you. I’m the only one who cares about you. I’m the only one who l o v e s you now punish yourself_ and Dipper does, every single time. Thick, moving circles, closing over. A mockery of everything that Bill _is_ , and Dipper, silently, loves them.)

 

“G E T O N Y O U R K N E E S” and Dipper does. Bill’s voice fills his ears, numbing, _vibrating_ through his jaw as he works _worship me_ and Dipper does(n’t) (oh no) (oh no, please) (please don’t hurt me) (I’ve been good) (d o n ‘ t _oh. Oh._  It is too late, Bill says, for you to take it back. His voice rattles, breathes. He runs a hand through Dipper’s hair.)

 

“This,” Bill pushes him up against the cross and Dipper is staring, _what is he going to do_ and Bill holds him down, can’t kiss can’t touch can’t beg can’twouldn’tdon’twantto, “is your fault. You doubted me.”

 

(Please oh no please p l e a s e don’t hurt me I’ll take the blade I’ll take the -)

 

The nail goes in. Dipper’s hands tremble, and then: they fall, paralyzed.

 

The second nail goes in. Dipper’s hands do not tremble, his palms bleed but Dipper: drops doesn’t notice the blood doesn’t _care_ except he does (oh no) (I’ll take the - )

 

( - blade.)

  
  


Dipper deserves this **really** he does. He: didn’t want the blade. Didn’t want the punishment. He: doubted. Looked into Bill’s eyes and thought _I want the light I want the light I want my f a m i l y back_ and (oh no). Bill is the only one who loves him **really** Bill is the only one who zloowrxfkklp _will ever want him_ and he _doesn’t have a family, not anymore_ **really**.

 

 _Should I nail your feet down, too?_ Bill asks and Dipper looks down at the wood beneath him -  the _cross_. T.

 

It h u r t s but Dipper deserves this ( **really** ). _No_ Dipper says - it comes out as a moan, _pleasedon’tdoit, IneedthisIdeservethis, justletmehavesomethingfree, ifIcan’thaveyou, giveme **something.**_

S o m e t h i n g.

 

“Tell me that you hate yourself,” Bill says( _ohno_ ), “tell me you’ll never do it again.”

  
  


“I hate myself,” Dipper replies, moans, _breathes_ (slowly, not even a breath, barely a breath) “I want to die. I want to die. I’ll never do it again. I promise.”

 

 _You’re not supposed to want death_ Bill says (breathes). What happened to:

 

 _worship_? Dipper thinks -   _you’re not supposed to want death_ **okay**. Okay.

 

“You will worship me when I want you to,” Bill tells him, like he _knows_.

 

Dipper nods.

 

“And when I release you from the cross, I’m going to let you see your family!”

 

 _R e a l l y ?_ Dipper asks ( **really** ) and regrets it, immediately.

 

Bill forces-shoves the nail deeper into Dipper’s left hand.

 

“Yes,” he continues, “and then you’re going to kill them.” Bill leans in closer - (oh no) ( _please_ ) - kisses Dipper slightly, “For me. Got it?”

 

Dipper leans in, gives in.

 

  
“For you,” he says. “Anything. Anything for you.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'll sink below the ground find  
> "The weeping wailing calls you echo in  
> I'll build a house around you  
> Stir a moat until you drown down
> 
> I'll whisk away your heartsigh  
> And bury it in mine  
> I'll whisk away your heartsigh  
> And bury it in mine" -- Heartsigh // Purity Ring
> 
> please let me know what you think!


End file.
